Evil nobody

Remember colour personality test (betul x susunan ni?) we did in one of 'Gadis Melayu Programme'? I turn out to be a RED personality. I have most of the features, but there's one bad thing I realized about me, I know, I understand but I can't change because I really have to change myself if I wanna change this. Berbelitnya ayat, tp the truth. I tend to hurt ppl that I'm close with. Bukan hurt macam mana, I tend to buat lawak bodoh yang terlampau (org klate kate gurau bewak). Taking they know me well, so u know, no heart feelings. But i'm totally wrong. I think that shud'nt hurt but some friends don't.

In primary school, I have a what so called best friend. Then, I hurt her. Don't really know how it's happened.whatever lawak bodoh I did, she left me. It was the time that I really blamed myself, for don't know how to take care of a friendship. I don't speak anymore, quite a long time. After a while, she came back. But, everything changed, of course. I don't really know what to talk, scared might hurt her again. Then, we separated in high school. We still keep in touch until now, I'm still filter words to come out. I think she quite ok with my jokes now. Maybe da matured sekarang, so da paham la.

In my high school, I became the same me,the person with lawak bodoh yang terlampau. No one know me, so bolehla kembali ke perangai lama. Then, I found Sally, same2 lawak bodoh. Walaupun masing2 kenakan masing2 tp still, we get along together. Our friends said, we were like sisters, same2 lawak bodoh. I also like to melawak bodoh ngan Bond and Boye sbb diorang cam tak kesah je, layan lg ade.... huhu. I think there were a lot if ppl who really layan me, especially my classmates. Back there, I mmg like a little sister, semua org layan me.

In INTEC, I cannot remember. I think I don't hurt anyone. I don't know, but I think I was pelawak bodoh jugaklah di Intec. No memory intact la di sana. What I know, I spent most of the tyme with my 'apartment' mates. Jiha, Fatin, Dina, Nurul and Ilya in the first year. Tak ingatla ade orang terluka ke tak. Xde kot, cam baik je our relationship. In 2^nd year, I got along with Ada n Nebby, until now. They are also kinda lawak bodoh, but I liked to ngusik Nebby, die cam x kesah pon, xtaula kalau terasa.

In Manipal, I think I changed. I didn't speak much in the beginning. Until my fren from INTEC asked why I became so quiet? Not like in INTEC. I don't know. Have I hurt someone that early?? Huhu.. yeah, I made somebody hurt. She was very close to me. It's not due to lawak bodoh, but some misunderstanding and she said actually there's a lot of things I said she cannot stand (my lawak bodoh la tu) . Then, everything changed. I really cannot get close to her for quite some time. I really cannot face her, I dare not speak than hurting again.

Back in Melaka, I tot I'm a lady enuff to make lawak bodoh. I think I don't do lawak bodoh anymore, but it seemed ppl keep hurting by me. What shud I do? I can't keep quiet all day long. I just cannot.

I think I really changed now. Not the one I used to be. I'm a silencer. I dare not speak. I'm scared. You may see me so serious. Believe it or not, I'm not that serious. I'm just scared if I start talking, ppl might get hurt. So I rather stay stiil and look cool, even I'm not.

But of course, I won't leave the lawak bodoh thing becos I found someone. Sape lagi kalau bukan my rumet, Che Ah….!!! Beri tepukan pada Che Ah. 10q kerana sudi layan me. Che Ah ni, die layan je, x tau la kalau die pon terasa jugak. Tp kalau die malas layan, die senyap je, then I know la I have to stop. Ramai je sebenarnye org2 kat sini yang I suke bergurau bewak, I hope they not terasa, kalau ade pon don't keep in heart. Sometimes, most of times I don't mean it. Kat sini, semua org sibok study, takde orang nak layan da my lawak bodoh. sometimes, i buat muka bile ade org mintak tlg or ask me to do something. i guess it my normal reaction, but i'll help as much as i can. jgnla takut nak mintak tlg....

I'm really looking forward to see my classmates. I missed to bergurau bewak ngan they all. I miss our laughing. I just feel so alienated. But, I don't need ppl to understand me, I'm still looking for myself, let me understand myself first.

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